The Angina Monologues

80s Night

2007-04-07T16:49:00.000+01:00

Might go down to Broadstairs Pav tomorrow night. They're doing another of those 80s nights for the over 21s.

I suppose it's too much to hope that one day they might put on a 21s night for the over 80s.

Nice Young Man

2007-03-31T12:55:00.000+01:00

This Rhino electric scooter is turning out to be a real babe magnet. Charging through the forecourt to the Costcutter yesterday, I heard the cry: 'Young man! Young man!!' Thinking they meant anyone but me, I paid little attention. But then I noticed a wizened old woman standing by one of those souped up P reg Renaults. You know, the ones with the baked bean tins for silencers.

She must have been 90 if she was a day. It turned out she couldn't get her filler cap off, and needed my help. I was happy to oblige as I've still got the one opposable thumb. 'Thank you young man,' she wittered. 'What a nice young man.' Made my day.

Got her number, of course. Well, beggars can't be choosers.

I'll Never Play The Piano Again

2007-03-02T00:44:00.000+01:00

But then I never could in the first place, so I don't give a monkey's about that.

I see that plonker Eastcliff Richard has already told you that I've had a spot of bother with my digits. Had to have three of them off. I know they tell you smoking kills, but what they don't tell you is that you end up being carted off one piece at a time.

The staff at the QEQM were wonderful, though. I'm eternally grateful for the NHS, otherwise I might have ended up putting the things in a vice and hacksawing them off myself, like Sir Ranulph Fiennes.

There's been a small Brucie bonus to the whole ordeal, I'm dictating this to a rather attractive visiting nurse, who is seeing to my every comfort. They even left me a couple of fingers 'for the ladies', so all's not lost. Ah, I see that raised a smile. Nurse, the Viagra!

Wasp Up Doc?

2007-02-09T07:53:00.000+01:00

Not been blogging recently. Nothing's happened. Until this morning.

On the phone to my mate Bob (ex-CID) who now lives in Australia, he tells me he's been feeling a bit crook. It's his lungs. In our day it was mandatory to chuff back 60 Senior Service a day if you wanted to look the hard copper, and Bob's now paying the price. He's been coughing a lot, so they got him up the local hospital for a chest x-ray, fearing the worst.

Later he gets a call on his mobile. It's serious. Has he been walking in the bush, or out in the yard much? Well actually, yes. Why? Because the x-ray has shown up, as clear as day, a wasp on his right lung. Come to the hospital immediately for urgent investigation.

Driving over to there, he gets another call. It's the hospital again. Mrs Peters, who had an x-ray after Bob, also has a wasp on her right lung. They've got a wasp in their x-ray machine.

I've heard of kidney machines taking the piss, but that takes the biscuit.

Happy New Year

2006-12-31T16:59:00.000+01:00

That's it pretty much over for another year then. Thank god. It takes its toll, I've got three funerals to attend next week. Is it any wonder arteries pop when all us old codgers survive for an entire year on consomme and cold veal, only to spend 48 hours stuffing in the turkey and mince pies like there's no tomorrow? It's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I'm just thankful I don't live in a nursing home. If you ask me, they do it deliberately to make room for fresh blood at next year's rates.

Pudding Club

2006-12-27T12:39:00.000+01:00

I suppose I ought to wish everyone a Happy Christmas. I went to Ted and Janet's in the end. Their grandkids seemed to have a great time playing with the old false leg, but I broke one of my few remaining teeth on a pound coin that had been secreted in the pudding, so I've got an emergency appointment with the dentist today.

In my day it used to be a threepenny piece or a sixpence. That's inflation for you. Mustn't grumble, at least I've got a whole quid to go towards the dental fees.

Spearmint Rhino

2006-12-16T11:07:00.000+01:00

One of the worst things about this electric 'Rhino' buggy thing that I get around in these days is all the chewing gum that collects on the wheels. I've tried everything to get it off, but nothing seems to work. At least it's not as stomach churning as when I accidentally run over one of those dogpiles that are everywhere.

Looks like it's just me and the Rhino for Christmas. Like every good parent, I started badgering the young 'uns with the odd hint back in May, but so far the invite to Oz hasn't arrived. Maybe Ted and Janet will be kind enough to take me in, as long as there's not shit on my wheels.

Getaway Vehicle

2006-11-30T19:01:00.000+01:00

Just got a copy of 'Policing Kent' through the door, all about how marvellously the local plods are doing. What's the top headline on the front cover? 'Win Eurostar Tickets'. Perhaps they're suggesting we'd all be better off in France.

Three-Legged Race

2006-11-23T00:28:00.000+01:00

Yes I'm feeling much perkier now, thanks for asking. I've got a Rhino on order. Apparently that's what they call those electric contraptions that you see people speeding up and down the aisles in Tescos on. I'm going to have some flashing blue lights fitted, just for a laugh.

I must be feeling better, because I'm beginning to take an interest in the female of the species again. I see there's a charming young lady called Frances Oapen who's just come onto the local blogging scene, I wonder if she'd be interested in doing a Jake The Peg impression with me? I suppose not. So, plan B it is. I'm sure with my connections it'll be a doddle to get Heather's number.

Trouble At Mansion

2006-11-16T10:45:00.000+01:00

That celebrity reprobate Eastcliff Richard is in a spot of bother again, I see. Looks as if he's been got at by hackers.

I remember some hackers got into Phil the Greek's computer back in the days when I was on the force. Caused one hell of a stink. The super had to go and apologise to him personally. Fortunately the super was indeed rather super, she was one of the first ladycops to come up through the ranks, and the meeting went very well by all accounts. She later said he'd remarked how pleasantly surprised he'd been to come across an attractive woman in a senior position.

Raided By The Nice Squad

2006-11-15T01:48:00.000+01:00

I couldn't get to sleep, bladder's playing up again. I say bladder, but every time I think of it a vision of a perished tennis ball springs to mind for some reason.

Anyway, I've got to get blogging, despite only having the one foot to type with, or else those terribly nice but rather earnest people at the Thanet Blog List will relegate me to the back bench. They've told me if I don't get on with it, I'll be dumped in their archive section.

Now if the boot was on the other foot, it would have gone up in smoke in the QEQM incinerator.

Celebrity Deathmatch

2006-10-28T12:31:00.000+01:00

I've not been blogging much recently. I just feel worn out, what with all the health problems. I haven't been able to get up to the allotment, either. But it has been entertaining watching those two blogging walruses, Dr Simon Moores and Eastclliff Richard, slug it out on the virtual beaches of Thanet.

I've known Eastcliff for some time, and a mutual acquaintance knows Dr Moores, and it's no wonder there have been fireworks. One's a pompous twit who thinks he's the canine's testicles, and the other's an arrogant bore who reckons he's the apium patellae. I'll leave you to work out which is which.

The Worms Turn

2006-10-16T10:15:00.000+01:00

Every autumn the lawn looks a right mess, covered in worm casts. The bits that I didn't kill off with the Weedol, I mean.

A friend suggested I introduce a predator that eats worms, so I've bought myself a pair of moles. That should do the trick.

Stumped

2006-10-14T14:03:00.000+01:00

Not a good week, really. Wheeled myself down to the pub yesterday evening, as it's usually grab-a-granny night down there on a Friday. Even managed to pull a half-decent 62 year-old, who offered to push me back to my place.

We got home and things started to hot up, but when I got my kecks off, and she saw the stump, she muttered something about having sobered up now, and asked me to call her a taxi. Maybe I'll have to join one of those clubs for amputees that Geoff in the Vice Squad used to bang on about.

It's been like that all week. The bloke next door's been getting on my quince, playing his awful music at full tilt all night with the windows open, so I thought I'd give the council's new 24-hour Anti-Social Behaviour Line a try. Trouble is, it's not 24-hour, all you get at 11pm is a recorded message asking you to leave your details, which I did. Two days later, nothing, so I rang them again during the day.

They took my details (again), and said an officer would call me back that afternoon. Since when, nix.

Oh well, I think I'll console myself by renting one of those DVDs you need a box of Kleenex for. And I'm not talking about a weepie.

Pulling My Leg

2006-10-09T10:01:00.000+01:00

I've been looking at artificial limbs on the internet, but there's a problem. None of them come with any hair.

My right leg is pretty hirsute, so how on earth am I going to get anything to match? I often toddle down to the beach for a bit of a paddle in the summer, roll my trouser legs up, dip my toe in. How's it going to look with one smooth leg, and the other looking like a gorilla's forearm? And please don't tell me I'm going to have to start waxing.

Leg Over

2006-10-01T22:18:00.000+01:00

Three weeks in the QEQM and I've lost a couple of stone. Most of it being my left leg, which unfortunately finally succumbed to a lifelong daily diet of 60 Wills Whiffs washed down with a packet of Hamlets.

Still, they've promised me a new one, and I'm hoping to get one of those hi-tech things you see paralympians bouncing around on. That should put the spring back in my step.

I did ask for the old one back, thought I might invite the ex-wife and that arsehole from the BTP round for Sunday lunch, but they said they had to dispose of it due to 'regulations'. Spoilsports. Anyone fancy blowing a raspberry?

Queasy Does It

2006-09-07T23:43:00.001+01:00

I've not been feeling too chipper of late, ever since that accident with the hypodermic syringe. Maybe I should go and get the old claret checked out.

Still, when you're my age, every day's a bonus, so mustn't grumble. Probably just a summer cold.

Small Prick

2006-08-31T08:39:00.000+01:00

Thanks to the miracle doctors at the QEQM, I was able to get out in the garden again yesterday.

While I was pulling up the weeds under the hedge at the front, I felt a sharp stabbing pain in my left thumb. On closer inspection, it seemed I had been jabbed by a syringe which had been dropped there, next to what looked like a cable tie. The syringe was marked 'insulin', so I can only assume some poor diabetic must have come over a bit queasy and had to inject themselves on the spot.

I do wish they'd take their paraphernalia home with them, though, and not just toss it in my garden.

Truss Me, You're A Doctor

2006-08-28T23:04:00.000+01:00

An entertaining afternoon spent at the A&E department of the QEQM, getting my hernia drained.

The usual types there, including one poor man who appeared to be withdrawing from some kind of addiction. He was called into the treatment rooms several times by various medical types, and I swear blind he answered to the name of Mr Nelson Scum. How unfortunate. I overheard him saying that he'd just moved to the area, so perhaps he was one of these coked up, DFL millionaire celebrities we hear so much of these days.

By the way, it seems the QEQM now also caters for those suffering from gambling and sex addictions, with a one-armed bandit in reception, and a sign saying 'only two visitors per bed' beside the reception desk.

PS: I've just Googled Mr Nelson Scum, and found him mentioned on a site called 'Monsters of Cock'. With the addition of an apostrophe, and the knowledge that the aforementioned naval hero sits atop a column measuring 165 feet, I think we can safely assume that he was indeed a suffering celeb, possibly a star of one of those films I sometimes treat myself to on a Saturday night.

Writer's Cramp

2006-08-26T11:24:00.000+01:00

Really, I have no idea why I agreed to contribute to Eastcliff Richard's new publication The Isle of Thanet Gazunder. I've spent so much time typing, my right arm has gone to sleep.

The celebrity twit asked me if I would be interested in writing a regular column about crime and security. The last time I had anything to do with police work, the hunt was still on for Jack the Ripper. Oh well, anything to oblige.

Alone Again (Naturally)

2006-08-20T20:33:00.000+01:00

Lyrics penned by the great Gilbert and Sullivan cannot do justice to the emptiness I'm feeling at the moment. The son and heir has, as predicted, done his dash to Sussex, taking Charlene and the grandkids with him. Well, I've always known he was a mummy's boy, but quite what he sees in that Judas from the BTP, lord alone knows.

Now, where did I put that will?

Tan Me Hide When I'm Dead, Fred

2006-08-15T13:37:00.000+01:00

Apologies to Rolf, but I'm getting rather excited about the prospect of the son and heir arriving from Oz with his family tomorrow. I suppose they'll want to do all the usual things like lie around and eat me out of house and home, then complain about how their beach back in WA is much better than Ramsgate's.

At that point I usually tease them about how it may not be as clean as theirs, but at least you're unlikely to be eaten by a Great White Shark while you're having a paddle. Then they'll probably all get the hump and bugger off to his mother's in Sussex.

Hmm. Maybe I'm not so much excited as trepidatious.

Terrorble

2006-08-11T16:51:00.000+01:00

Always up with the latest news, I see there's been a spot of bother on the terror front.

In my day, whenever there was an IRA atrocity, we used to round up all the usual suspects. Policing has come on a long way since then, and nowadays all the unusual suspects get rounded up as well.

Quite what this 'liquid explosive' is, though, is a mystery to me. I did see a film starring Bruce Willis once which, in which a terrorist devised a bomb which consisted of two liquids, one green, the other blue. When they were mixed together, you got David Cameron. Boom boom!

Please Take Him

2006-08-07T08:52:00.000+01:00

I see that silly old duffer Eastcliff Richard has gone and got himself kidnapped. I've lost sight of the number of times I've told him to be more aware of security at that old pile he calls a Cliff Top Mansion.

Well if he's hoping I'm going to call my Special Branch contacts he's got another think coming. It's probably just another publicity stunt anyway. If he's not back tomorrow I'll eat my helmet.

Hairy Moment

2006-08-03T14:39:00.000+01:00

The grass has perked up after that drop of rain, and so have I.

That wind's a bit strong, though. I was just driving down to the shops, and opened the car window for a bit of the fresh stuff, and my beard blew up over my eyes. Nearly went into a bollard. That would have put the premiums up. Can you imagine the claim form? Doesn't bear thinking about.

Not Dead...

2006-08-02T22:42:00.000+01:00

...just resting.

Hiatus

2006-07-21T09:12:00.000+01:00

Apologies for the hiatus. Hiatus hernia, actually, so I'm under quack's orders to take it easy for a bit. Hopefully I'll be fighting fit soon, at which point I may amble over to Margate and pick one.

Privets On Parade

2006-07-16T19:29:00.000+01:00

I know most of you must think I'm a terrible gardener, but one thing that hasn't suffered are my privet hedges. Come rain... No, let's start again. Come drought and shine, they always seems to shoot up at this time of year.

The result is I have to trim them every couple of weeks. They've even got quite pretty, tiny white flowers on them now. I'm just happy I haven't managed to kill them off. Yet.

Pussy Problem

2006-07-14T16:24:00.000+01:00

There's been a lot of talk about Barkers' nests around here recently, but I just finished mowing what's left of my lawn, and in the process discovered about 20 desiccated cat whoopsies, just waiting to be flung out of the hovermower's gubbins.

Ted says he's got a similar problem over on the other side of town. Is it something to do with the weather?

Flight Of Fancy

2006-07-14T12:53:00.000+01:00

I see yet more of our hard earned dosh is going to subsidise flights from Manston to Norfolk, Virginia, the home of the US Navy. Quite why we'd all want to go there, heaven only knows. I drove past it once. If you like big, grey battleships it might float your boat, I suppose.

And of course, all those US Navy ratings are just dying to get on a plane and come and see our newly opened Tudor house in Margate.

Next time I pay my council tax, I think I'll just get it out in cash, and go and stuff it straight down the nearest drain. It'll cut out the middle man.

Littoral Thinking

2006-07-12T11:30:00.000+01:00

Phew, that sun's hot, isn't it? I'm so glad the car's got air conditioning in this weather. Now imagine what it would be like at this time of year, sitting in your luxury, tin-clad apartment, on the Pleasurama site. Not so much luxury living, more like being a baked potato I would imagine.

I suppose they'll all have air conditioning, though. Time to fire up Richborough Power Station again, maybe!

Old Nick

2006-07-10T18:07:00.000+01:00

Not much to report from here in 'The Nick'.

One thing, though. I see those Clive Emson people have got the old nick in Ramsgate up for auction. Guide price is £70,000 to £90,000.

The new nick takes the concept of 'cop shop' to the limit, in my view. Why don't they just go the whole hog and sell novelty helmets and truncheons?

Whined Up

2006-07-06T19:10:00.000+01:00

I've just said goodbye to Ted and some other mates after having them round for a few glasses of plonk and some cheesy nibbles. I've been looking through this blog, and, really, I do seem to have spent a lot of time whingeing. What a dreary old constable.

I'll try and do better in future. Have I told you about the time I put itching powder in the Super's tunic?

Smoke On The Water

2006-07-05T21:38:00.004+01:00

Now the pool pump's on the fritz. First I knew, there was a smell of something electrical burning as I went for my morning dip. Apparently I'll have to wait weeks for the parts, and then, of course, there'll be no way of filling it up again. I wonder how long it would take with a watering can?

West Is Best

2006-07-03T22:11:00.000+01:00

There's a lot of talk these days about the East Cliff here in Ramsgate, but there are some great things to see for those who are prepared to venture out west.

Pugin's house, for example, and the IOTA Gallery. And that amazing little caff called The Lookout, which seems as if it's been frozen in time since 1948 (although fortunately for me the cakes are no longer rationed). The people you see in there are real old time Ramsgatonians, who can remember the days when the old place was rather posh and well-to-do. Plus you get a better view of the ferries from the West Cliff, if that's your thing.

Shame about West Cliff Hall, though. It appears to have been left to go to rack and ruin since the motor museum moved out. Not that it was much chop before that. Does it belong to the council?

The Foot Of Dog

2006-07-01T19:00:00.000+01:00

So England's fortunes in the World Cup rested on Rooney's foot after all.

Although nobody, I suppose, thought it would end our chances by kicking a pair of Portuguese balls.

For Whom The Bell Trolls

2006-06-29T11:39:00.000+01:00

I feel sorry for that chappie who runs the Thanet Life blog. It seems he's had to turn off his comments because of something called trolls.

As you know, I'm not really up with this internet lark, but it sounds nasty. Something to do with unpleasant comments of a leftish nature, from what I can gather. But then he left a pretty off-colour comment himself on Eastcliff Richard's blog the other day, so does that make him a troll too?

I don't know, this blogging game seems very complicated, perhaps it's best to stick to gardening. I'm off to stare nostalgically at my hosepipe.

Turf's Up

2006-06-28T10:56:00.000+01:00

I've had to dig up the turf that I put down in the spots where the lawn went brown in the Great Weedol Disaster. When the rest of the lawn went brown from the drought, they looked too green. At least now, overall, it's just different shades of brown.

Perhaps I should get that Diarmuid fellow in.

Ecuador - The Facts

2006-06-25T14:56:00.000+01:00

As I once spent some time in Ecuador 'on business', and they're playing our plucky footballers this afternoon, I thought I'd share ten little-known facts about the country with you:

1. Ecuador is the world's largest producer of liquorice.
2. The President of Ecuador is traditionally referred to as 'El Cabeza del Cerdo', which means 'Pig's Head'.
3. Some Ecuadorians believe Prince Philip to be descended from Xylbytlpop, the Inca goddess of knitting.
4. In Ecuador, if you find some fluff in your pocket, it is considered lucky.
5. Women have had the vote in Ecuador since 1756.
6. Graeme Garden, of TV's 'The Goodies' fame, is originally from Ecuador.
7. If you travel west from the capital, Quito, the first country you come to is Wales.
8. Ecuador is divided into 22 provinces, one of which is called Fellacio.
9. If nine Ecuadorians find they are occupying a lift designed for 8 people, one will get out.
10. 95% of the world's drawing pins are made in Ecuador.

Jazzed Up

2006-06-25T10:25:00.000+01:00

What a marvellous spectacle they put on for us Ramsgate residents at the Eastcliff bandstand last night. Reminded me of the 70s when I used to go to all the charity 'cop bops'.

Although I spent most of the evening drinking free beer on my own in a quiet corner, I did manage to grab a granny at the last moment. And this being Thanet, she was only 36!

There's life in the old duffer yet.

He's Coming Home

2006-06-21T11:36:00.000+01:00

I see that Eastcliff Richard, by far the wittiest, most humorous, and yet self-effacing and mild mannered millionaire on the Isle of Thanet, is heading back from his sojourn in the West Indies to resume his blogging activities in Ramsgate once again.

I had the pleasure of meeting him once, and can tell you that I have never met a funnier, more entertaining and yet generous and kind hearted soul. He deserves the freedom of the island, if not a knighthood.

Flock Of Seagulls

2006-06-15T09:54:00.000+01:00

It's Thursday, it's bin day, so the seagulls are out in force. Bin bags go out, seagulls come in. Why bother collecting the rubbish and taking it to a landfill? The place looks like a landfill already, with all the bin bags that have been pecked open.

I used to enjoy that Eastcliff Richard blog, when he used to go on about seagulls the size of poodles. Quite the funniest thing, and I found it again the other day, thanks to a link on Mr Nethercourt's blog. It seems he's emigrated to the West Indies, which is a shame.

Flock Of Pigs

2006-06-14T10:29:00.000+01:00

I saw a uniformed officer on foot patrol in our street this morning. Maybe he'd confused Ramsgate with Forest Gate.

Such mistakes are easily made. I once arrested a bunch of Italians under the PTA the morning after a heavy day, and night, with some of my journalist contacts. Turned out they were actually wanted for shoplifting. They took it well, though.

Talking About My Sanatogeneration

2006-06-13T14:05:00.000+01:00

Well that's picked me up a treat, that Sanatogen. Thanks for the tip, Mr Nethercourt.

Not only that, but it's a lot cooler today, so my truss is no longer disintegrating, although it does appear to have deformed into a rather unusual, and, I have to say, uncomfortable shape.

I suppose I'm about the same age as many of those old rebels like The Who and The Rolling Stones. I once had the dubious pleasure of being assigned to The Stones, back in the 80s, for reasons I'd rather not go into here. In fact Mr Jagger told me to "f*ck off" at one point, and ever since he's been known in our household as 'Mr (now Sir) F*ck Off'. They all look a lot younger on the telly than they do in real life. But then you only get 625 lines on the average telly screen, don't you?

It's Too Hot To Blog

2006-06-12T13:40:00.000+01:00

The glue in my surgical truss is melting.

Grassol

2006-06-11T17:38:00.000+01:00

Bit of an update - the grass has now died completely. The weeds, on the other hand, seem to be doing fine.

Circus Act

2006-06-11T11:39:00.000+01:00

Now that we know the Turnip Centre is going to be built by the Chipperfield's Circus people, I thought I'd nip over to Margate and take a look at the site.

Plenty of room in the car park there for two or maybe even three rings. The visitor centre already sets the circular tone. And most of the lobster coloured lardbuckets milling around seemed to be exactly the sort of people who would appreciate the spectacle of an elephant balancing on one leg.

Three cheers for our local council. It seems they're onto something at last.

Crushing Victory

2006-06-10T16:03:00.000+01:00

So, a one nil victory via an own goal. I think I got it about right.

World Cup Fever

2006-06-10T10:32:00.000+01:00

I'm not really a football fan, but it's difficult to avoid noticing that there's some sort of soccer tournament on at the moment. Plus there's been a lot of guff in the papers about Rooney's foot. Poor lad, it's not really his foot that needs attention, is it? You'd think he'd invest in a bit of plastic surgery, with all his millions.

So I suppose I'll settle down in front of the telly this afternoon with a glass of something to watch our brave lads doing battle with Paraguay. I predict a heroic draw/defeat. After all, Latin Americans usually have the hand of god on their side. All we've got is feet of clay.

Margate Exodus Actually A Film Or Something

2006-06-09T15:01:00.000+01:00

I think I must have got my wires crossed, it turns out this Margate Exodus thing is actually an event, or film, or some kind of bunfight, rather than a plan to help traders escape the High Street. There's an item about it in the Gazette today. Apparently anyone will be able to join in the filming, so I might toddle along myself. There could well be a meaty role for a Methuselah type like me.

Apparently songwriters including Brian Eno and Scott Walker have composed music for the film, 'each one inspired by one of the plagues in the book of Exodus'. How appropriate. And I had a look at the Margate Exodus website, it appears to be sponsored by the Gazette and Waterbridge, among others. Aren't Waterbridge the people who are making such a terrific success of Dreamland?

Have I laid the irony on a bit thick there?

Bearded Lady Shortlisted For Turner Centre

2006-06-09T14:38:00.000+01:00

I see the shortlist of six architects chosen as possibles for Margate's new Turnip Centre includes circus company David Chipperfield.

Quite how they qualify to get their snouts in the trough is beyond me. I mean, putting up a tent is one thing. Designing a £12m gallery demands entirely different skills, surely?

Exit Strategy

2006-06-09T09:24:00.000+01:00

I see from my free copy of 'Thanet Matters', the council's self publicity rag, that an 'Exodus HQ' has been opened in Margate High Street.

As if there weren't enough shops leaving Margate High Street as it is. Do we really need the council encouraging them?

Tannoying Behaviour

2006-06-08T23:11:00.000+01:00

Just popped out the back door to deposit the detritus from tonight's ready meal in the bin, and there appears to be a man touring the streets of Ramsgate shouting obscenities through a megaphone.

There's not an election on, is there?

Missing Links

2006-06-08T19:51:00.000+01:00

Thanks once again to Charlotte (Ted's daughter), who's filled in some links to my favourite blogs, plus one or two others she thought I might find interesting. I hope she hasn't missed anyone out.

I worry sometimes about all the hours she spends on the internet at work. On the other hand, it is a media company, so everyone probably spends all day making paper darts anyway.

Spot Prize

2006-06-08T15:28:00.000+01:00

What glorious sunshine. It's bringing on the brown patches in the lawn a treat.

Broadstairs: The Future's Orange

2006-06-08T10:48:00.000+01:00

Never hear much about Broadstairs, do we? Are they all asleep?

Mind you, properties prices are far from moribund over there. I've just come back from a walk around the place, and my usual snoop in all the estate agents' windows. I see the Victoria guest house, on the front, is on the market for £999,995. A cool million (bar a fiver)! That said, I stayed there a few years ago, and I must say it's been beautifully restored, and is quite a substantial edifice, with terrific sea views.

And the agents, Terence Painter, are doing a good job of talking it up. The description of the property reads: 'The Victoria is situated directly on the sea front in the popular, picturesque and charming Dickinson seaside town of Broadstairs'.

I expect they're hoping people will think it's as cheap as chips.

Trouble With Wind

2006-06-07T15:50:00.000+01:00

As I was cursing myself last night for not having taken my Bisodol, I remembered that Ted's mate had told me that there seems to be a lot of stuff going on to do with this new wind farm.

Apparently quite a few council bods have been taken on helicopter trips to survey the offshore location. Quite why they couldn't have saved a bit of money and suffered in a boat like normal people beats me.

I suppose it'll bring jobs if they do build this facility in the harbour to maintain the blasted eyesores, although to my way of thinking, with the East Cliff about to crumble into the sea, they've got their priorities a bit skewed.

Still, they're hardly likely to take any notice of an old gipper like me.

Keep Off The Grass

2006-06-07T12:12:00.000+01:00

What in the name of everything that's holy was I thinking of? Using Weedol on those daisies in the front lawn? I've just read the instructions, and it says it kills grass too. But I knew that anyway.

Oh well, look on the bright side. At least visitors will know they've come to the right place. Just look for the two-tone lawn, green with brown spots.

Subtitles

2006-06-06T23:14:00.000+01:00

Well fancy that. Just back from the club to find Charlotte's handiwork. Not a bad likeness, really.

Now that I'm getting on, I'm going a bit mutton, so I often watch the news and weather with the Ceefax Page 888 subtitles on.

Tonight I learnt that the Queen had spent Gordon Brown to deliver a telegram to Britain's oldest man, that it will be Chile in some parts of the south tonight, and tomorrow will have some clout, with a shot of rain in Aristide Close. Amazing how detailed they can get the forecasts these days.

Open All Hours

2006-06-06T15:47:00.000+01:00

Dad said you were having trouble with your blog so I used the password you gave him to open up the comments and put a profile picture on for you. Hope you like it!

Charlotte (Ted's daughter)

The Gas Board

2006-06-06T15:08:00.000+01:00

Have you tried to get through to the gas board recently with a query that's just a bit more complicated than 'I've moved house'?

Ten minutes now. Still listening to that infernal music.

Oh no, tell a lie, here's Darren.

No. Darren can't help.

More ersatz Travis music.

Hello, now I'm speaking to Craig. Oh, no, bit premature. Craig can't help either. He's told me to go and look at my meter.

Still, at my age it helps to pass the time.

Woolly Thinking

2006-06-06T11:17:00.000+01:00

One of the joys of being beyond the age of caring is that you can let yourself go a bit. Maybe it's a reaction to 40 years of having to wear a suit and tie, but these days I don't bother much about my appearance.

Haircuts? Forget 'em. Long grey beard with bits of last night's dinner in? Bring it on.

It was brought home to me just how far I'd let things slip when I was going through immigration at Tullamarine last year, on the way to see the kids. The smart young Aussie behind the desk spent some considerabe time staring at the photo in my passport, which was almost ten years old. I suppose he was having trouble reconciling the dashing businessman it portrayed with the real life, shambolic old fool that was standing in front of him.

Eventually he eyed me up one last time, and said: 'Gone a bit feral since this was taken, haven't you mate?'

I do so like the Aussie sense of humour.

Second Floor: Carpets, Travel Goods And Bedding; Material, Soft Furnishings, Restaurant And Teas. Going Down!

2006-06-05T19:03:00.003+01:00

So, I believe, went the rousing last verse of the theme tune to 'Are You Being Served?'.

The thing is, though, that Mrs Slocombe wouldn't have had a pussy in hell's chance of using any of the Edwardian cliff lifts here in Ramsgate. Not to put too fine a point on it, they're buggered.

Why are they buggered? Because Thanet Council has failed to maintain them properly.

Frankly, I've seen better run banana republics.

Away Day

2006-06-04T08:41:00.000+01:00

Got the instructions off Ted about turning on comments. Might as well be in Greek.

All the talk up the club last night was of this blasted junket the council awarded itself. Trampolining, walks, herbalism, what's going on? Not only that, but Ted was told by a mate of his that it was all organised by the TDC Finance Department. Talk about trampolining while Rome burns.

That reminds me, Ted said something quite funny about somebody else fiddling once while Nero's burned. That's going back a bit.

Cec'll Do Yer

2006-06-03T11:17:00.000+01:00

Ted phoned to say his daughter had been round, and had shown him my 'blog'. She's written down some instructions about how to turn on the comments, so I'll get those off him when I see him up the club later.

Ted also said I should write about some of the funny things that happened during my time in the force. I don't know about that. The index linked pension comes in handy, even though I don't have to rely on it.

I don't suppose it would be giving away any state secrets to mention that I was seconded to look after Slimy Cecil for a brief period in the Eighties. It was just after he was caught knocking up that Sarah woman. I remember him touring the Welsh valleys with the Iron Lady (nice legs). The usual SWP crowd were there (not a bad bunch really, mostly mummy's boys from Surbiton), doing their ritual chant of 'Maggie! Maggie! Maggie! Out! Out! Out!'. Occasionally they'd vary it a bit with 'Kinnock! Kinnock! Kinnock! In! In! In!'

As soon as they saw Cecil, they began alternating with a new variation: 'Cecil! Cecil! Cecil! In, Out! In, Out!' I don't know how I kept a straight face.

Hobbies

2006-06-03T07:58:00.000+01:00

Well that was a very pleasant way of spending a Friday afternoon. Must splash out more often.

It's quite difficult to fill the days when you're retired. I play a bit of golf, and there are some great walks around here. Then there's the allotment. Bit of DIY. I tried the masonic thing, but it wasn't really my cup of tea. Too many cons.

Sometimes when I'm in the supermarket I try and slip an extra item into people's trolleys when they're not looking, and then make sure I'm close to them when they get to the checkout. You should see the puzzled looks. But you couldn't really call that a hobby, more of a diversion.

The Silver Pound

2006-06-02T12:47:00.000+01:00

Hello. I'm back again. It's quite addictive, this blogging thing, isn't it? Especially as I'm on my tod. The wife passed on a few years back (to a former mate in the British Transport Police), and the kids all emigrated to Australia in the Eighties.

What I like about Thanet is that it caters for the silver pound. Where else would the personal services ads in the back of the local paper say: 'OAPs welcome'?

Now if only I could find that packet of blue pills...

A Bit More About Me

2006-06-02T08:55:00.000+01:00

Well it turns out Ted knows nothing about computers, it was his daughter who put the commodes on eBay for him.

Still, at least it keeps the title appropriate. I mean, who's ever heard of the Vagina Dialogues? Sounds more like a gynaecological consultation than a cutting edge piece of theatre.

A bit more background, then. I retired from the force at a relatively young age, having attained the giddying rank of DCI Special Branch. I then started a pretty successful business supplying security consultation services to the rich and famous, which I subsequently flogged for a mind-bending amount of money to an American firm a few years ago. I suppose the wife and I could have had our choice of retirement locations - Florida, Spain, Australia. But we chose Thanet, I chose Thanet, as I had a soft spot for the place, having been this way on many occasions in the course of 'business'.

That's probably enough for now. This writing lark isn't as easy as it looks, is it?

No Comments

2006-06-01T18:22:00.000+01:00

I can't seem to turn the comments on. Would anyone be able to help? I suppose not, with the comments turned off. I'll ask Ted up the club. He's bound to know, he sold a couple of commodes on eBay once.

Hello

2006-06-01T14:33:00.000+01:00

This is my first time on the internet, and I must say how easy it is to set up one of these 'blogs'.

First, a bit about me. I'm getting on, hence the title of my 'blog'. I don't actually suffer from angina, but quite a few of my friends do, and when I told them what I was going to call my 'blog', they all laughed until it hurt. One or two of them then even had to take their tablets.

So I don't think I'm being mean or offensive, but apologies to anyone in advance if they do find it objectionable.

I first got interested in setting up my own 'blog' from reading one of our local 'blogs' called Thanet Life. I then started reading something called 'Eastcliff Richard', which was hilarious, but the link to that seems to have disappeared, and as I'm not up with all the technical stuff, I can't seem to find it on my own. So I thought I'd have a go at writing something funny myself. After all, John up the allotments says I've got an evil sense of humour, so why not?

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Hopefully I'll think of something funny to write soon.