I'll Never Play The Piano Again

But then I never could in the first place, so I don't give a monkey's about that.

I see that plonker Eastcliff Richard has already told you that I've had a spot of bother with my digits. Had to have three of them off. I know they tell you smoking kills, but what they don't tell you is that you end up being carted off one piece at a time.

The staff at the QEQM were wonderful, though. I'm eternally grateful for the NHS, otherwise I might have ended up putting the things in a vice and hacksawing them off myself, like Sir Ranulph Fiennes.

There's been a small Brucie bonus to the whole ordeal, I'm dictating this to a rather attractive visiting nurse, who is seeing to my every comfort. They even left me a couple of fingers 'for the ladies', so all's not lost. Ah, I see that raised a smile. Nurse, the Viagra!